


genuinely artificial

by tendecibels



Series: Sad [6]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Crimes & Criminals, Depression, Guilt, M/M, Theft, edgy renjun, firat fick of 2019 love that, kinda deep but not at the same time, that was meant to say first fic I really fucked up oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 11:38:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17365238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tendecibels/pseuds/tendecibels
Summary: Jeno was a shitty person back in high school, and the guilt of his actions trail behind him like dead weights tied to his wrists.





	genuinely artificial

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back. I don't really know what to say apart from read this with care because it may be triggering to some (this gets better as you keep reading I don't know wtf the beginning is).

Jeno was a shitty person back in high school, and the guilt of his actions trail behind him like dead weights tied to his wrists. 

Jinseok was his name. A kind kid too. He didn't deserve any of what came his direction. Jeno doesn't know why he did it, or maybe he does, maybe, it was the feeling of worthlessness that never went away, and is still here now, that made him do it. Maybe he didn't want to be the only one suffering. 

Jeno wasn't alone; he had accomplices. Not friends, accomplices. They weren't the ones to listen to Jeno's worries and sort through them with him, they weren't the ones to tell Jeno that it was absolutely okay to feel the way he felt. Nobody did that. And Jeno guesses that that's the reason why he grew into this selfish monster. 

They did everything they could in the book to torture that kid, shamed him, ruined things he loved, beat him up. Jeno doesn't understand how he could do that to another person. He watched Jinseok change with his own eyes, he saw the bags beneath his eyes grow, and he saw the puffiness of his eyes that never left. Jeno saw how the boy kept his head down when he was walking through the halls, and he saw the wounds he tried to cover with his long sleeves, pants and shirts. Jeno saw. But never stopped.

The school didn't do shit. Many teachers witnessed what was going on, but simply turned their heads, and Jeno wishes _so badly_ that one teacher would have punished him severely for making that child's life hell. Jeno wishes that somebody would have given him a reality check. Jeno wishes that he wasn't such an idiot, that the pain never goes away, that he's just making it worse. Jeno blames himself, and he has every right to do so.

Jinseok was rushed to the hospital on the sixteenth of March for an apparent drug overdose. It was Jeno's fault. Jeno had nearly become a murderer. He had intended on visiting Jinseok in the hospital during his recovery, but was too much of a wuss to, another regret to his list. 

Jinseok moved away almost immediately after he recovered.

Jeno hopes the boy is living his life to the fullest wherever he left to, and no longer feels the effects of Jeno's actions. The repercussions never left Jeno's side however. His own mother was disgusted by him, barely able to look at her son's face for more than three seconds. He was kicked out of school, and never bothered to find a new one. His group of 'friends' all split into separate ways, some trying to grow past their mistakes, and some back to their old ways. Jeno was the only one who was truly stuck. In a matter of days, he had ruined his reputation, and lost almost all he cares for.

It leaves a bitter smile on his face sometimes, when he thinks about how the tables turned so suddenly. When he thinks about how karma bit him right on the ass.

Jeno should feel the way Jinseok did. That's what he tells himself every day, that there's no punishment heavy enough for nearly sending someone to their grave. The whole tale is ironic really, the same cruel words Jeno used to throw at Jinseok, he now chucks at himself, and the emotional weight Jinseok used to drag around the halls has now been transferred onto Jeno's shoulders.

_It's not enough._

_Jeno's as evil as it gets._

-

The recklessness started about a month after Jinseok moved, Jeno's reasoning being that he shouldn't get the same chances that he stole from Jinseok. He barely checked if there were cars coming when he crossed the road, and he most probably wouldn't bat an eyelash if there were. He missed school, he couldn't be bothered to take himself to a place so reminiscent of where his own despicable actions took place.

The theft started a month after that, stealing things for no real reason. He stole for the sake of it. The first time he stole, it was a complete accident, a pen that he was examining whilst shopping mistakenly turning up in his bag the day after; an honest mistake. He didn't stop there however, and he wasn't exactly inconspicuous about it either. Jeno just _didn't care._ It wasn't like he had much left to live for anyways, apart from a lifetime of unending guilt. 

Renjun was the boy with the pretty eyes, arms stacked with bracelets of varying colour and design, and the short tops that gave Jeno a glimpse of his stomach every time he stretched. He sat at the back of every class, and Jeno could swear he’s caught him sleeping at least once in every class they share, but when he wasn’t, the boy was often zoning out, a faraway look in his eyes, a look Jeno knew all too well. Completely by accident, Jeno had befriended the pretty boy, but seeing as they didn’t really have a wide selection of friends to choose from, they stayed within each other’s company. No one wanted to hang out with the gay kid and his weird new friend anyways. 

After becoming a constant in each other’s life, that’s when Jeno began noticing the darkness in Renjun’s eyes, how they never lit up, no matter what he was talking about. They had a strange blend of artificial and genuine beauty to them, never any life to them, but also drew Jeno’s attention in such a captivating, mystical sense. When Jeno brought this up in Renjun’s presence for the first time; the older boy had told him that he was just talking nonsense. 

It was almost as if Jeno’s feelings for Renjun snuck up on him, elusive until the very last second. Jeno always knew he was bisexual, but treated it as a part of himself that just didn’t exist unless it needed to, which he wishes wasn’t now; Jeno doesn’t need to fuck up a perfectly good relationship with feelings. It wasn’t like the way everyone else described it, there were no butterflies in the stomach, and no giddiness, instead just Jeno realising that he wouldn’t mind waking up to Renjun’s face or telling him he loves him at ass o’clock in the morning for no reason except for the fact that he was lonely. Jeno would like that very much, but Renjun wouldn’t like someone like him anyways, with his history.

A month inwards, the theft still hasn’t stopped, in fact it became worse, alternating between theft and Renjun to make him feel what he thought he couldn’t. He’d been arrested twice now, and fined once, just trying to feel alive. Jeno feels so wonderfully stuck in such a viscous circle.

 

-

 

”I love you. I've only known you for two months now but I love you, because you've shown me more love than anyone ever has in my life." Renjun was taken aback, not by the sudden confession, but by the way Jeno just went back to doing whatever he was, as if he was used to not getting anything back. Jeno didn't even expect a word.

But Renjun was also confused, "Why? There are so many good people to love in the world, so why would you love me?"

Jeno could see in Renjun's eyes that he meant it, that it wasn't some form of twisted attention seeking, but that he truly believed himself to be unworthy of love. Jeno wanted to show Renjun his own beauty, how people would be willing to give the world to him if he just reached out first. Then he quickly reprimands himself for being such a hypocrite.

"You deserve love, you know." Renjun could feel Jeno's eyes boring into his side, even after he'd turned away, and it left him wondering what on earth Jeno saw in him, because nobody else, including himself, could find anything worth looking at in Renjun.

However Renjun didn't agree or disagree, choosing to simply reply with a "so do you."

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know why but I turn into a fucking idiot in the end notes so if you read these then we're automatically best friends. oh yeah and isn't this face :/ so sad in such a relatable way and I know I say this every time but this is actually the worst fic in the series it just keeps going downhill lol


End file.
